As you may or may not know, 2013 was a rough year for me.
Without going into too much detail, there were a number of Really Big Things (RBT) that happened, that were not good--mainly to people around me and not to me directly. I'm in a bit of a state of crisis, and have been doing lots of thinking, since it seems like people/friends don't really know what to do around RBT.
So without further ado, here it is: Rachel's list of 20 things to do/not do when someone you love has RBT happening. RBT could include: health crises, for themselves or people close to them, financial problems, major personal issues like divorce, abuse etc. Every example I give is deliberately vague so that no one reading this will see him/herself here and think I didn't guard their confidence.
Please note: I don't believe bad things happen for a reason. I don't think there's always (or even often) a silver lining, and if you do, by all means, go ahead and stop reading here.
1) DON'T judge. If you haven't been in your friend's precise situation, you don't know how they should feel/what they should do. Actually, even if you have been in your friend's precise situation. Everyone gets to react differently. If you think I'm reacting wrong, keep it to yourself. When an RBT happened this summer to someone I love, I didn't understand the reaction of the person dealing with it. Know what I did? I SHUT UP AND PLAYED ALONG--according to her rules, not my own. When a friend told me I was reacting wrong to bad things happening, I cut that friendship right off. On that note...
2) DO listen to instructions. I sent out an email to some friends at one point, asking for check in emails, and youtube clips, and other ways to distract myself. My true friends responded fantastically well and I have a great list for a rainy/bad news day.
3) DO make it clear that your friend can talk or not talk about what's going on. Last week, hubs and I went out for drinks with friends of ours. They are wonderful people who certainly wanted to know what was happening with our RBT. They didn't ask. I was tremendously grateful--I got an evening off! There's nothing that can kill a mood quicker than being asked about something you got a few minutes/hours away from.
4) DO realize that people with RBT are still people. They may still want to meet for drinks/dinner, etc. or not. Don't stop inviting them out.
5) DON'T stop talking about your life. One of my greatest joys is videos of my new niece--the baby of a best friend. Her Mama knows I have RBT happening--she literally emailed me on her way into the delivery room. Her videos of the little one make my day. So does hearing about someone's promotion/office politics, etc.
6) CONSIDER offering distraction. I went pomelit picking last weekend. It was awesome. There was nothing I could have been doing to fix RBT at the time and getting out in the open air was wonderful.
7) I'm going to say it again, because it's important. DON'T JUDGE. If you think your friend with RBT should be sitting in a corner watching sad movies because she should be sad ALL THE TIME, dear reader, shove it. You probably have no idea. Also? Sad movies? They don't actually fix RBT. Trade secret right there.
8) DO encourage your friend to be gentle with himself. This can mean offering a meal, making it clear that you're available to meet/change plans at the last minute, etc. Giving myself a break from my love affair with Weight Watchers is great for me and I love my friends for encouraging it. Ditto ordering in/eating cereal for dinner.
9) DO check in. The only thing worse than dealing with RBT is dealing with RBT alone. Repeat after me: "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry this is happening. I love you." That is a great way to address any situation.
10) DON'T try to fix it. If the problem is a car issue and you're a mechanic, go ahead. I can't undo my friend's divorce, and you can't address my RBT. This goes double for health issues unless you're a specialist. You think ginger cures everything? Awesome, go drink some tea. Then shhhhh...
11) DO know that your friend probably has NO IDEA what to do/feel. Here's a little secret: RBT don't come with a guidebook. When you get bad news, you don't also get a guide on who to tell/how to tell them/how to react to their reactions.
12) DO be careful with what information you share with whom. Someone close to me (with a health problem) was accosted in a public place by a well-meaning stranger who exclaimed "I heard what's going on with you; the same thing happened to me. Here's what I did." 1) It wasn't the same thing. 2) It took my person by surprise. 3) Public spaces are not the place for private conversations. Most importantly, if you "heard" what's going on from someone other than the person him/herself, no need for you to tell them you know. No one wants to be fodder for gossip.
13) DO offer a space for a friend, if you can. That can mean emotionally, or offering dinner, or...I was at a friend's house for dinner the other night. It was a simple meal. I didn't have to figure anything out other than how much to eat. It was glorious. A friend recently spent an hour on my couch crying about an RBT. It was important, and private, in a way that even the best restaurant can't be.
14) DO take care of banal things, if you can. My wonderful husband did a few weeks of all the housework earlier. Not having to think about cooking/dishes/etc. was an amazing gift.
15) DON'T vent in. Read and internalize this piece: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407. Essentially, if I got a bad diagnosis, I can rant to anyone. My husband/immediate family can rant to anyone except me. My friends can rant to anyone except me and my husband. Read the article. There's a nice picture.
16) DO ask the internet. Got medical questions? Not sure how to help your friend with sick parents? Ask the internet. Don't ask your friend detailed medical questions/raise doubts. Think there's a better course of chemo? Feel free to share that info with your cat.
17) DO offer to be available for anything. Mean it. A friend dealing with an RBT asked me to take her to an appointment this summer. It was one of the great honors of my life to be able to do, and I canceled several things to be able to do it. If you offer it, mean it.
18) DO listen. If the person with RBT doesn't want sad emails because they already know it's sad and don't need a reminder? Don't send 'em! Think they're nuts for it? Tell a friend--just not the one with the RBT! Person loves chocolate? There's a spot in heaven for filling my freezer with brownies.
19) This is a tricky one. It's ok to cry. Sometimes. I've had two friends break down to me about what's going on with me. Both times I was grateful for their tears, because it meant something real was happening to me and they acknowledged that. If I had 15 friends break down, that would probably suck. But don't be afraid to tell your friend that you know that something terrible is happening, especially if they're venting. Sometimes we need permission to feel like shit.
20) Figure out how to be a friend. This is the one part of this where readers may recognize themselves and I don't give a damn. People on this list deserve Oscars in being friends. Awesome things my friends have done: called regularly. Offered to fly in to be with me during a particularly trying time. Hosted my husband and me for three nights in their Manhattan apartment with lots of hugs and no complaints. "Worked from home" to be supportive to me while I was in Washington. (I don't think she got much work done...). Came to the event I was putting on for my non-profit, even though she was getting married a week later. Sent endless YouTube clips, and check in emails. Made it clear that they love me, and I have no obligation to respond in any way.
I know that my life and my own RBT have been made infinitely better/easier/calmer by my wonderful friends. I only hope that they know how much I appreciate their presence, and that this list may help you to be a wonderful support to people in a hard place.
In life, there are people who are great in a crisis, and people who are not. (And all kinds of other people, but that's not what we're talking about here, now is it?) Crises are hard, but follow these guidelines and you're likely to be the kind of friend who wins the friendship Oscars your buddies never get to give away.
